I have had people coming to me, telling me about their negative self-talk, their timidity, their lack of self-assurance, or their fear of failure. As we work on improving their self-image and self-confidence, they often tell me about their ability to go through exercises and feel good about themselves when at home or in a comfortable area they are familiar with, but a sudden inability to be consistent in their positive affirmations in other situations. I decided to therefore write an article in response to this, assuming there are many people out there who just can’t seem to keep their mind on track, focusing on the positives rather than the negatives.

Let me begin by explaining the mechanism behind this. First, a negative thought may have sneaked its way into your mind. This happens. It’s normal. But rather than thinking about the positive aspects related to it, the thought remains and becomes the focus of your attention. Instantly, you get confirmations that uphold the negative thought and trying to identify the positive aspects of the situation become near impossible. Instead, more negative thoughts appear and the effect snowballs.

 Here’s an example: John is getting ready for a job interview. He’s prepared, has his credentials ready, and has little to worry about. On his way to the interview he begins to feel uncomfortable in his clothes and doubting his abilities. He’ll then begin to think negatively about himself and look around to see people “looking at him funny.” He then confirms that there’s something wrong with him physically and gets nervous. As he reviews his resume he begins to think he left things out he shouldn’t have, included things that should have been left out, and should have changed the format. At the interview, his doubts and insecurities are racing in his head and he begins to sweat, causing him more discomfort. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

 The message to take home from this example is that the negative thoughts (initial discomfort) caused negative perceptions (perceiving funny looks) which then reconfirm the negative thoughts (nervousness and doubt) which then get reconfirmed in the experience (sweating and a lack of self-assurance). See the cycle?

 The human brain operates in the most amazing way: it thinks about what you do and it does what you think. Though this sounds simplistic, the mechanism behind this phenomenon can be quite complex. Putting aside the science behind mental functioning, let’s focus on how to use it to our advantage and find a solution: Act the part so you can feel the part.

 If self-confidence is what you’re looking for, try acting self-confident. Stand upright, keep your shoulders straight, look up and look proud. If you need to feel like a winner, look like a winner. Dress appropriately for the part, put that go-getter smile on your face, and pull your shoulders back. If happiness is an issue, begin your day with a smile and give compliments to those who deserve it. Don’t fake it though, believe it. Be an actor in a play and before you know it, you become your character.

In psychology, the term “cognitive dissonance” is used to describe that uncomfortable feeling caused by holding contradictory ideas. Because of the way the human mind works, it is difficult to maintain two opposing ideas simultaneously in our minds (we need to believe either one or the other, not both) and similarly we naturally need to have our behaviours correspond with our thoughts. We are therefore forced to either change our behaviour to match our thoughts or change our thoughts to match our behaviours. Control the behaviours and you’ll thus control the thoughts.